Not complacent. Not apathetic.
I’ve come to a place of surrender in my life. Not complacent. Not apathetic. I have reached a fully feeling, big dreaming, and pleasantly peaceful point in my life. I want all of what I dream of so bad, that I’m willing to trust the process that has been laid out in front of me for years. I’ve clung so hard to so much. I clung to what the elders in my life clung to. I clung to anxiety and not eating enough and not sleeping enough and making myself suffer in order to make my dreams come true. It’s so silly. We’ve really been raised to destroy ourselves as parents, as workers, as friends and lovers and as dreamers. I’m sorry to anyone who I looked down on because I thought you weren’t doing enough. Your actions are exactly what I needed to see was possible and ok and safe.
I’ve reached a place that I like. A place where I love myself and I love my home and coming home. I love my job and going to it. All that I do adds to making the world a better place. A healthy home to raise two strong women who will lead in our future, a job that supports a healthy community, a husband who’s growing along side me, and loving myself in the middle of it all.
When I was a kid it was hard to get me to do anything outside of my alignment. Even as a teenager being out of alignment was hard for me. They called me naïve and prude and whatever else and I probably was both of those things. I still had a lot of the world to see and learn. I had more books I needed to study but at that point, I was happy to be in a place that felt right to me. Now I can accept that part of me. The weirdo that didn’t party. That weirdo that didn’t know who the most popular actor or musical artist was at the time.
I’ve been raised by a woman that endured more than most people ever will in their lifetime. I’m so proud of how smart and creative she is and how gentle she was in raising my strong and stubborn spirit. I’m glad I left high school and that she supported me every step of the way because she believed I’d be successful no matter where I graduated from. I’m glad I chose to have my two beautiful baby girls in spite of all the chaos going on around me. My mother was the best option for who I was and who I’ve become and who I’m going to be.
And so looking back and seeing how it all led here, I also see that it was going to lead here regardless of what others might have thought about me. Regardless of all my own fears of abandonment and my own resisting, I turned out ok! I turned out more than ok. I have nothing left to prove. So I surrender.